Final fantasy XIII sortof comedy story
by the owner
Summary: Another sort-of comedy story. A group of 6 people must accomplish their focus to save cocoon. Will an emo, a complete moron who thinks he's a hero, a whiner, an annoying character, the perverted comic-relief, and bland one succeed? Read to find out
1. The awkward beginning

Once upon a time there was a train going to a hellish area. There were hooded passengers on board for some reason. Two of them were main characters.

"What was the plan again?" said one with a male voice.

"Shut up and follow me," responded the other with the female voice.

They were very close to their destination. Outside of the train were a bunch of trained fighters killing untrained idiots. They got guns by magic.

In the train, a guard came to the room where the hooded passengers were boarded and said, "Time to die, people. Said your prayers? If not, TOO BAD!"

Just then, the female hooded passenger jumped up, yelled "RAWR!" and killed the guard with her gunblade. Several other guards came in, but she disposed of them with ease. The passengers were screaming in fear, but the male one came running to meet the female.

"Jump," yelled the female.

They jumped off the train and landed on land. Guards came with gun, but bullets were like atomic milk duds as the female shrugged them off and slaughtered the guards.

"Uh, what was your name again?" asked the male passenger.

"Lightning," she responded.

"Right, anyway, my name is Sazh—

"I said shut up and follow me."

The two were running, killing guards and some other creatures. Bodies of innocent bystanders were everywhere. Sazh removed the bras and panties off the dead female bodies.

"WTF are you doing?" asked Lightning.

"I, uh, need some memorable souvenir of this wonderful place," said Sazh.

Lightning rolled her eyes and continued running. They were running until they found a huge gap. Lightning yelled, "I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!" and started flying. However, Sazh did not have that power and grabbed onto her.

"Mhm…you smell nice," said Sazh.

"Got off, you freak!" yelled Lightning.

The weight of Sazh was too much for Lightning and they plunged to their doom. Or did they?

Meanwhile, a blonde dude with a ski cap and a bunch of other retards were fighting against the soldiers with machine guns.

"Those sons of bitches can't aim for shit," said Rabba, a dude with packs.

"Good thing because I'm going to charge in and do some KUNG FU FIGHTING!" yelled Snow.

He yelled and started punching the soldiers with machine guns with his own hand. In a matter of seconds, he managed to kill them all.

"Good job, Snow, now let's go rescue some hostages," said Looki, a girl with purple hair.

"The hero always does a good job," said Snow.

They and one other anonymous dude charged in, yelling and firing machine guns at everything that twitched until they found the hostages.

"Hostages, we are here to liberate you. Follow us and you will all be safe," said Snow.

"Follow you? Take a look at you guys. You people are hopeless," said some random douchebag.

Snow snapped his neck and then said, "Anyone else?"

The hostages shook their head. Snow smiled and said, "That's the spirit. Now everyone grab a machine gun. Don't worry, I'm a hero, I know exactly what I am doing."

The hostages all picked up a machine gun. However, since there were not enough machine guns for everyone, the ones that did get one were shivering in fear.

"Now for those with a machine gun, follow me!" demanded Snow.

More soldiers came in, but Snow and the hostages totally showed who their daddy was. That was, until a ship came in and dropped the bomb on the bridge. The bridge fell and all the hostages fell to their doom. Snow tried to hang on to one of the hostages, some old lady. However, the old lady lacked all will to live and instead of hanging onto Snow, said, "Take care of my son." Then she plunged to her doom.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Snow.

The little hostage that was watching that started yelling "MOMMMMMMMY!" and started crying. A girl came and comforted him.

"Don't worry, she may not be pancake shape yet," said the annoying little girl.

Snow felt so guilty that he started crying. Suddenly, Rabba and Looki came in with some levitating motorcycles.

"Stop crying and start being a hero again," said Looki.

"You're right," as he got on to the flying motorcycling.

Meanwhile, Lightning was flying again and carrying Sazh on her back.

"Stop grabbing onto me boobs," said Lightning.

"Sorry about that," said Sazh.

They were flying toward the enormous being known as the fal'Cie. What shall be their fate? Find out as the story of Final Fantasy XIII sort-of comedy story begins.


	2. KUNG FU FIGHTING!

Hope was crying in the corner, grieving his mother's death.

"That 'hero' shall pay for her death," whined Hope.

Then out of nowhere Vanille came and said, "Let's go highjack one of the flying motorcycles."

"Why should we do that?"

"Because it's fun, now come on!"

Snow rode one of the flying motorcycles toward the fal'Cie. Amazingly, no one guarded the other one as Vanille and Hope managed to steal one. They too, rode to the fal'Cie. Inside the fal'Cie, there were a bunch of monstrous beings. However, with the combined strength of Hope's boomerang and Vanilla's fishing pole, they were able to fight them off.

Meanwhile, Lightning and Sazh were wandering in a different location.

"So why are you here again?" asked Sazh.

"To save my sister from becoming a Ci'eth," said Lightning.

"Look, Lightning, it's hard to accept it, but nobody in Cocoon likes a Pulse l'Cie. They are a bunch of monsters with magical powers that can kill us all."

"Regardless, she is my sister and I must save her. If I don't, I will cry endlessly and wear a brown bag over my face in shame."

Sazh looked at her awkwardly.

Meanwhile, Snow parked his motorcycle in the fal'Cie parking lot and started looking around.

"Sarah! Have no fear! Your hero is here to save you!" Snow then ran around, looking for a way to reach Sarah. Down below Snow, Hope and Vanille heard him.

"Someone is above us," said Vanille.

Hope recognized that voice. It was the murderer who murdered his mother. He was going to slaughter him if he shows up. Then Snow just magically shows up.

"Wassup, children. What are you two doing here?" asked Snow.

"We're here to look at the fal'Cie with our own eyes," said Vanille.

"Okay, but stay close to me as this place is a pretty scary place."

The three of them meandered around for a bit until they bumped into Lightning and Sazh.

"Hey sis, how's it going?" asked Snow.

"I AM NOT YOUR GODDAMN SISTER!" yelled Lightning at the top of her voice.

Sarah appeared, but she was in a weak state.

"I have finished my focus," said Sarah.

"Sarah, speak to me!" yelled Snow.

"Don't speak to that bubbling moron! Speak to me, god damn it!" yelled Lightning.

Sarah smiled and turned into a crystal.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Snow.

"WHY DOES EVERYTHING BAD HAVE TO HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEEE! RAWR!" roared Lightning.

Just then, a door opens.

"That fal'Cie shall pay," said Lightning.

The five of them ran inside the room to meet Anima, the powerful fal'Cie. Somewhere out there in the universe Seymour Gayass was saying "feel my pain, come Anima!"

"RAWR!" yelled Lightning.

"I WANNA DO KUNG FU FIGHTING!" yelled Snow.

They fought. Anima was powerful, with his awesomely powerful shield. However, it was no match for Snow's fist and Hope's boomerang. They killed Anima in a matter of seconds. After they killed Anima, the fal'Cie turned the whole area around them into ice. The death of the fal'Cie devastated everything. A midst of all that devastation, the fal'Cie branded the five with a mark, making them all l'Cie.

Snow had a dream. He dreams that he was still at his home town where there were a bunch of fireworks and spectacles. Today, he was going to ask Sarah to marry him.

"Sarah, will you marry me?" asked Snow as he showed her the ring.

"NO!" yelled Sarah.

Then Snow awoke and found that everything around him was in ice. The four others slowly woke up too.

"Whoa, what's this mark on my chest?" asked Sazh.

"I have one too," said Snow.

"So do I," said Vanille.

"We've all became l'Cie then. This is just wonderful. I lost my sister and became an l'Cie on the same day. How could this get any worse?" complained Lightning.

"You could have been tentacle raped by the fal'Cie?" asked Sazh.

"Shut up!"

"Hold on, I had a vision," said Hope.

"What was it?" asked Vanille.

"It was sort of vague, but I saw a monster destroying everything around them."

"Hang on, I got the same vision," said Snow.

"So did I," said Sazh.

"What could this mean?" asked Hope.

"Well, this could be our focus," said Sazh.

"To destroy everything?"

"I'm just looking at it from a logical perspective."

"Either way, we better get moving out of here. Those Psicom soldier will be coming for us soon," said Lightning.

They all began running through the ice until Psicom soldiers showed up and yelled," PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!"

"Make me!" challenged Lightning.

"You wanna mess with me, bitch?"

"Hah, Nice gun!" Then Lightning disarmed him and kicked his ass. Snow used his new found l'Cie power to beat up the other Psicom soldiers.

"Man, they were a bunch of pussies," said Sazh.

"They are all a bunch of poorly trained stoners armed with fancy weapons. Too bad they are too stoned out to know how to properly use them," said Lightning.

They continued running until they found a Sarah in her crystal form.

"SARAH!" yelled Snow.

He then tried to pull her out of the ice, but it was to no avail. Lightning looked at him with disgust.

"She's your sister, Lightning, can't you help me pull her out of the snow?" asked Snow.

Lightning then bitch-slapped him.

"She's gone now!"

"No, she's not!"

Then Lightning bitch-slapped Snow again.

"Stop living in denial. She's gone. I have failed her. The first thing I'm doing after I get out of this place is grab a brown bag and start crying in shame."

Sazh was watching the two of them fighting each other and sighed. He knew deep down that Lightning wanted to stay as badly as Snow. Snow stayed behind because he desperately wanted to pull Sarah out of the Snow. The others went on ahead. After a while, some Psicom soldiers came and attacked Snow.

"I WANNA DO KUNG FU FIGHTING!" yelled Snow as he started kicking and punching the soldiers. Despite his martial arts madness and his new l'Cie power, there were just too many Psicom. Then, his mark started to glow blue. Out came the SHIVA twin, the goddess of ICE!

Snow managed to prove himself worthy to the twin and they decided to serve him


	3. Don't question my driving abilities!

So the other three went into a temple of some sort.

"What is this place?" asked Vanille.

Lightning slapped her.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" yelled Vanille.

"Stfu k? I am concentrating."

"For what?"

"These crystals...how do I smoke them?"

Then suddenly they were interrupted by a giant flying creature.

"WTF IS THAT?!" yelled Hope.

"Attack it don't question it!" yelled Sazh.

They engaged in an epic battle. The creature was amazingly powerful. It was fast as well,

easily dodging Sazh's gun and Lightning's gunblade.

"How do we kill that thing?" asked Vanille.

"I got an idea!" exclaimed Hope.

Hope blindly charged at the creature, but the creature simply lightning bolted him.

"Okay, bad idea."

"We have to stagger it to get it's shield down," said Lightning.

Lightning put on her R Kelly soundtrack on and started flying.

"Eat this!" and she threw a lightning bolt at the creature. It was surprised by it and fell down.

"Look there!" exclaimed Vanille. It was a flying machine left by the Psicom.

"Hey, now. Don't get your hopes too high! Get it? Because Hope was _Hopelessly _stupid?"

said Sazh.

Hope glared at Sazh.

The four boarded the machine and off they went. They soon found themselves being chased by

a bunch of Psicom ships. They shot at the four.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Vanille.

"Let me pilot the ship!" demanded Lightning.

"Lady, please, we all know that women are poor drivers. Therefore, let me, the man, pilot," said

Sazh.

"STFU AND GIVE ME THE STEERING WHEEL!"

The two fought over for control of the steering wheel while miraculously dodging thousands of

bullets. Eventually, after a few minutes of maneuvering, they lost PSICOM.

"Next time, don't question my driving abilities," said Lightning to a beaten-up Sazh.

Then the T.V. Came up to give status on the Purge.

"The Purge was a complete success. We managed to move several thousand people out of

their homes into a desolate area without any casualties whatsoever. Now we hand the mic

to Dysley."

"Yes, the Purge was absolutely necessary. The people had no idea that they would have been

turned to mindless zombies and start a zombie apocalypse if we had not moved them. COUGH!

I need my meds..."

"Primarch Dysley has stated that he is totally against future purges."

"So this is life huh? If anything makes Sanctum looks bad, it never happens," said Sazh.

"Does that mean that the time Dysley lost half of his money on a bet in the Chocobo race

never happened?" asked Hope.

"Yup!"

"How did he manage to cover that up?"

"He simply shot the people that convinced him to bet on blue, demanded a re fund from the

betting booth, slaughtered all witnesses, and made a law to make sure everybody shuts up."

"Man, that's cold, even for Snow. Anybody got my joke?"

"May I ask who is Dysley?" asked Vanille.

"Seriously? Wtf do they teach kids these days?" stressed Sazh.

"For your information, I was taught how to fish in my classes."

Sazh sighed. "He is the Sanctum Primarch. The world's worst gambler, carpenter, and secretly

a drunk. Murdering and preaching are his favorite hobbies."

Then suddenly, Psicom ships came at them and started shooting them again.

"Fly into that Fal'Cie. We'll lose them in there," said Lightning.

"Are you nuts?!" yelled Sazh.

Lightning slapped him. "Did you forget not to question my orders?"

Sazh grumbled and flew the ship into the Fal'Cie. They crashed and landed in the Vile Peaks.

They were all okay. A few moments later, they all got up, but Sazh and Vanille were too tired.

"Can we take a break?" asked Vanille.

"No!" yelled Lightning.

"Come on, we don't have enough energy," complained Sazh.

"You have enough to moan, now stfu and walk or I am leaving you."

Then she walked off

"Well, I guess I am following her," said Hope as he ran off to follow Lightning.

Sazh looked at the dirt. "Cocoon is against us. We have nowhere to run. What are we going to

do?"

"We stay fugitives of course!" said Vanille.

"Also, we are going to turn into zombies. The clock is ticking fast."

"There's no need to worry about that right now. Stop complaining and let's go find Lightning."

They traveled on.

Then Vanille had a flashback. She remembered a bunch of fireworks and making a wish.

"I wish my boobs were bigger."

Lightning also had a flashback. She also made a wish.

"Yoh, Why the fuck you making a wish for? You a soldier. Man up!" said Lieutenant.

"Sorry, I just had a though, sir. I don't like being a guard," said Lightning.

"Then buzz off. Bye!"

"But I also want a promotion! That's another thing I wished for."

"Lady, trust me, a promotion will do you no good. Now buzz off!"

Back in present day, Lightning and Hope were traveling together.

"Is it just you?" asked Lightning.

"Yeah," said Hope.

"Whatever then. Keep moving. Just don't ask for babysitting."

They moved on.


End file.
